Dependence

Waking up with a start, she waited to get back to her dependence on the senses, while the contents of the dream evaporated. If he had woken then, she would surely have stayed in bed, depending on his embrace for comfort. She paused, depending on hope, which let her down as always. Slowly slipping out of the quilt, she stepped towards the light. Each time her bare foot touched the cold floor, it took her away from the dependences for warmth, love, protection, understanding...

Opening the door, she stepped out of that room of dependences, just as she had from another dark, warm one decades back. She felt the icy pricks of the chilly wind on her unclothed body. Were the tears that ensued due to pain or was it the joy of a sweet victory? The sky was on fire at the horizon and blazed red as the Sun rose to feed all its dependants. But the warmth inside her was from knowing that she was alone, alive and free. She revelled in the high of her first moment of independence during this submission to depending that she called 'Life'.

I recently passed through a period when I let myself be dependent too. I was on a trip to South Africa - my first international trip - and was in some kind of a trance, that I let others take my responsibility. I was not very happy to do it, but it was a trial for a month, a trial of trust, patience and maybe Hope.

In the first few days, I was amazed to see how many of my old fears came back and how fast! The fear of loss was the foremost I guess. After a long time I felt a sort of attachment to my sources of support. I was foolishly happy not to need to think about myself and to be completely clueless about whats next. Dependence leads to possessiveness as you want to constantly depend. I could see it coming true right in front of my eyes. I suddenly felt the need for someone to be there by me all the time. All my logic etc. failed and I succumbed to a strange craving. The horizons of my world, that I have worked hard to expand to the farthest reaches of the Universe, suddenly collapsed and shrunk, to Me, my needs, my hunger, my safety and some more Me. It took a shock to jolt me out of this headlong dive. Well, with my eyes washed, I could carry on mostly by myself, but it was a great lesson to see how one stays vulnerable to fears and other weaknesses.

I am thankful to all who actually helped me in this time of dependence, But I still maintain, as I had years back... "Of all the things I want in life, Independence is the key." I sprung back and here I am again, Fearless.

But I guess dependences are plain addictive for some and not easy to rid oneself of. The result is that, despite all wisdom, a real story would finish like this...

...Only human, she went back in, gave in to the accosting dependences, and paid for it.

I had some more thoughts during the lot of time that I had to kill back in Lazy SA. Hope, I've always felt, is a daydream of a positive mind. One does not depend on a dream... they are random & unpredictable. In fact one cannot depend on Life either, which is just as unpredictable. But people live in dream worlds with flimsy foundations, expecting them to materialise. Every moment of their life is spent expecting something from an unknown source. I have discovered this through bitter experiences and still see everybody go through it. I wonder why they do so? I wonder why people pray? A Wish or a Prayer is a petition to 'God' for something one wants. A display of an undue dependence to a something you imagine exists. All unreal, this faith even blinds one to the more dependable ones around. The Self, which might be the most useful in adverse situations is totally forgotten. The limits that you cross during adversities are your own and you are the only one to help yourself for sure, unless you wait in false faith for something to happen. Phew... its futile to tell everyone this though.

To end, I feel Nature is all-pervading and the only dependable one. But dependable for what...? For Knowledge. The universe is simply so huge that there is always something to discover, observe and wonder about, independent of the person you are with, the place you are in, how the weather is etc. That is one quest you cannot even depend on Google for. :)

Art of Living

So the confession is that after ranting so many times against what new the AOL (or any other spiritual) course can teach ME, I went for it! The reasons were quite compelling I would say, the prime being some sorrow and a lot of anger. I was looking for more control. Having noticed how breath is the first thing we lose control over when affected by emotions, I needed a method to get its reins back in my hand when I wanted. With two recommendations in mind, for AOL (from vik & chik), I went for a "weekend crash course"!

I have promised (as does everyone who does the course and maybe keeps their word due to the goodness that the time spent inspires) not to tell exact details of what happens in the course. But I can write about what I learnt. One thing is sure that the end state of the Sudarshan Kriya can only be achieved with time.

I agree with...

Meditation ... (is) entering a trance
because of the ridiculousness of repetition.
Wendy Wasserstein

This was my first concious try at meditation, but there surely was a need for coerced repetition of certain actions that leads the body to first revolt against this unusual boredom brought upon it. Following this sweaty fight however, like a tired wild horse, it relents and gives in to the relaxed state in which the breath is under your control. Now, to get the real benefits, you have to get the body addicted to this control and the way a regulated pattern can make the happenings around you affect you less.

Since October, I have tried it in office, at terminals, on a bus, a train and a plane too! But as usual, perseverance not being my virtue, I've discontinued the regular Kriya as prescribed. "All we ask is for you to breathe for half an hour every day", said the teacher at AOL... but who has the time to breathe? ;) However, I have not totally failed as I see a marked difference in my calmness and patience when I consciously attend to my breathing. I notice quite a few extra smiles on my lips and a certain extra confidence about the decisions taken with lungs full of regular breath. This is an addiction I'm glad to have & hope it does good to others around me.

Her Perfume

He lay there amongst his collection of half used bottles of perfumes...
Tears streamed over the wet pillow towards his outstretched hand that held the empty bottle...

Apratim

I've always struggled with Marathi... and so, to bring a Marathi adjective out of me, the cause had to be Apratim... Incomparable.

The time was 06h:28m:30s on the 22nd July 2009. The place was the terrace of a local school in Bihar Sharif, India. The cause was the 2nd Diamond Ring from the spectacular Total Solar Eclipse I had just witnessed. I am now proudly, one of the few people in India who actually wanted to, travelled for and saw the eclipse.



Here is a video of the indescribable hysteria which prevailed...

You will if you Will

Everyone knows that any activity intellectual or manual is tiring. Usually we make it a practise to halt for while as soon as we get fatigued. when some unusual stimulus fills us with emotional excitement or some unusual idea or necessity take us onward, the fatigue is overcome upto a certain point. Then, gradually or suddenly it passes away and we are fresher than before! We tap a new source of energy from which we obtain amounts of ease and power that we never dreamt we possessed. Sources of strength habitually never traced, because we never push through the obstruction of fatigue.

Only exceptional individuals move mountains and cross oceans, not literally but in reality. To what do these physiological wonders owe their escape from the habit of inferiority to our full self? If they were asked, the answer would always be "Willpower". Some would argue that the "Will" is a general property. Yes, it is the normal opener of everybodys inner eyes to the deeper layers of explosive energy. But the difficulty is how to tap it, to make the effort that the word implies.

"Will" is key to success even to students. It could improve our performance in studies, extra curricular activities and social life. It is observed that a single successful effort of moral voilation (volition) or performing some bold or courageous act, can launch a man on a higher level. He feels elevated and more confident. We could also make this effort and use the new range of power to achieve the unimaginable. Another discipline to keep our energy levels constant, at reach, is resolution. It consists of solemnly promising ourselves to perform any sought out task and finish it successfully. It is found, that positive thinking and self-encouragement cause our brain to release such harmones that increases our levels of sustainance manifold. Many sports person and other laureates claim to have won because they believed in themselves. Their "Will" and determination revealed to them, to be much stronger than was supposed. If this could edge them to victory, why not us!

Most of us could easily incorporate the use of the "Will" into our lifestyles, if we try, we can maintain an equilibrium in our efficiency, on astonishingly different levels of work, no matter what its direction - physical, mental, moral or spiritual. Our organs would adapt itself to a more active rate of energy.

The correct use of the "Will" could profit not only ourselves, but also contribute largely towards the rapid development of an advanced and peaceful future. Peaceful because our "Will" spontaneously activates our conscience, hiding us from indulging in cruelty and other wrong acts. Our world now stands here because of the active wills of a few individuals, who have exiled inertia, and it is in this instance, it is the will at work. But, if our whole generation were to awaken to their Willpower, our world would be perfect.

...Samir Dhurde (B.Sc. F.Y.)
[sic, As it appeared in our college magazine in April 1999]

PS: "Volition" was one word I was sure the editors would goof up and I couldn't but grin when, 'voila', they did!

About Thirty

Something got me thinking about my age last month.
"What is your age?" asked a nubile-sounding female on the other side of the phone. I was quite taken aback as I always remember my age approximately & I certainly don't need to give it out at a moment's notice! You see, I have always been confused by my age. Being 1979 born, I was in my first year and turned one in the zeroeth year of the new decade that was beginning. But my mind always tries to make things even and I always jumble up because I have to add 0 before my birthdate and 1 after it, to the ending digit of the present year, to get the units part of my age! Then I have to remember the decade part of it. It is such a concious calculation when I have to find my age... & it was so this time too.........
"About Thirty..." I blurted out after a few seconds. Too late! Already the joke was on me and I was assured that the query was only for booking my rail ticket.

This was still on my mind when I got on with the rail journey. I remember my first reaction to a kid calling me "Uncle". It was also on a train, but about 8 years back. "Kyon re? Yahan kaun Uncle dikhta hai tujhe?" :D I have already given up since and whichever kid wants to feel very young is now welcome to call me Samir Uncle. I am also tired of telling my students not to call me Samir Sir!

But I'm to write about an "old" habit & of course there's no need to point out that they die hard. During our home return journeys in the college days, most of our guy's gang wouldn't have confirmed tickets. The journeys would be more than 30 hours with us parked in any space which was legally & hygienically allowed on the train. We had to have some timepass & its anybody's guess what it would be. We would reach early and check out the reservation charts for which bogie had the most females in their 20's! That would then be our hangout while our luggage would be under the care of those supersmart people who had cared to reserve tickets 3 months back.

I did the same thing just for kicks and in two portions of my journey I had females "about my age" (eg. F 27, F 28 etc.) in the same coupe. And all of them happenned to have a kid or two of atleast 2 years age! Wow... Is it time I should be feeling Old or Strange? But sadly, they didn't look like they had been F23 or F25 just a few years ago. They did not even talk as much amongst themselves as those college girls during our flirty trips back home. Some kind of seriousness has descended upon them and the compulsory saari seemed to be to keep much more wound in it than it was apparently intended for. Is this the convention now for those about 30? I'm glad to find this missing in me.

I remember admiring someone 30+ recently because she was still freely doing what my mom would never have dreamt of because at her age, she already had a 15 year old kid! Although she accepted the complement, it wasn't without her eyes getting lost beyond me for a moment. The smile it drew was lopsided as if reacting to some irony/sarcasm she might have found hidden in the situation. Ageing singly is fun & tough...

So I am turning thirty this year... Ummm or is that finishing thirty years. Anyways, halfway through a statistical human life its quite early to waste time on an autobiography. Me being a young achiever in many places has had no effect in others breaking my record. And there are older people out there who I can always beat to some post. ;) But its heartening that I am sticking to many of my guns and am quite ready to face the social assaults that will start with the Jeetendra age - thirty plus. Another calculation mistake... My dad was 27 (& not 31) when he married & its gonna be tough to excuse myself saying "Oh you also married late!" I might be the first one to cross thirty amongst my friends' circle. Dont worry people I will let you know how it is to be on the other side...!


PS: I'm sure those pills are not necessary for 20-30 more years :D

My local Valley of Flowers

On some Saturdays when I have a holiday and they don't, I love to take walks in the Government Nursery just behind my workplace. Every month there is something new to see there. It is one of those corners of the city that is almost shrouded by trees. The flora and fauna are so vibrant and variant there. I contain myself in Summers when its dry to let the land prepare for an inundation by the green. Most of my garden's seasonal plants come from there sometime after September. The beautiful blooms of winter are only for a chosen few to see. This time I didn't visit all of Jan and Feb and I was in for a pleasant surprise. The gardeners had simply planted the leftover seasonal flowering saplings in wide rows instead of throwing them away. However, Nature unleashed its compositions and I was instantly transferred to a 'Valley of Flowers' when I stepped into the nursery.

                       Ink on paper is as beautiful to me as flowers on the mountains;
God composes, why shouldn't we?

Audra Foveo-Alba

This picture does make me see the point in the above line that Chikki sent me... It was a complement for the pictures I took at the nursery. Maths and Physics are definitive sciences learnt from the study of Nature and its not Nature who follows our rules in her compositions. The rules themselves are so perfect. There is consistency in all of Nature's patterns. Even though you cannot see all the equations floating around there in the waves, in the flowers, in the faces, in the stars... they are there and I consider myself special to be able to comprehend a sight both ways... to be able to capture it and to be able to write about it.

1st Published Picture

Yes! This is my first Astro picture to be published in a newspaper (Sakal). Of course, whether you realise it or not, it is a great picture.

Catching that slightest of darkening of the Moon during the Partial Lunar Eclipse of Feb 09, 2009 was the aim. A penumbra refers to a partially shaded outer region of a shadow that an object casts. In a Penumbral Eclipse the moon's surface is not completely shadowed by the earth's umbra (the darkest part of a shadow). The moon passes through the faint penumbral portion of the earth's shadow and observers see only the slightest dimming near the lunar limb.

The Moon rose eclipsed on the East horizon as the eclipse started at 18:09 IST... before moonrise. As the Full Moon passed into the outer shadow of the Earth it dimmed slightly, but no shading was visible to the naked eye until about two-thirds of the moon's disk was immersed in the penumbra. In the picture, the faint penumbral shadow of the Earth is on the top left of the Moon's limb. The image appears mirror inverted as it is captured with the 14" reflecting telescope we have in our terrace observatory. In fact this is a very difficult shot as I had to do it hand-held for the lack of a camera-telescope adapter. Considering the required sharpness, I had to stop it at f/5 and hence an exposure of 1/8 sec was the most I could hold steady. Although the cropping is not ok, the sharpness for me is surprisingly & pleasurably good.

Here is a pic of the Eclipsed Moonrise.



I am now looking forward to the Total Solar Eclipse of July 22 morning and the Partial Lunar Eclipse of December 31 night. These will give us a good chance to celebrate this UN declared International Year of Astronomy.

Salsa - I

Finally I get to show off my Salsa (which I accept is not very good... yet)
I have been teaching Abha, my partner, for a year now and I am glad she took up the challenge of going on-stage with me. It was quite an experience choreographing the dance below from whatever moves we have learnt by ourselves. The track we sway to was Abha's choice and we set up the steps together. As usual, our common work-at-the-last-moment natures and the multitasking we do just about allowed us to get 2-3 final rehearsals before the performance on the December 29, 2008 evening. We celebrated IUCAA's 20th foundation day with this dance. Watch...!

PS: I named this post Salsa-I on the lines of Chandrayaan-1