Radiant

Conversation on Radiation

Friend A:- We have this information
      She has started her radiation
Friend B:- Radiation I hear is lousy
      It makes you off mood and drowsy
A:- You feel at times nauseated
      And more often agitated
B:- The 'blues' surely get you
      You are snappy too, I bet you.
A:- Lets stay away for a while
      Till she's again able to smile
B:- No! this is when she needs us
      She's happy when she feeds us
      So lets visit her with a smile
      And be with her for a while

A+B:- Hi there! How are you doing?
Patient N:- Just fine! And what are you doing?
B:- We just dropped by to say Hi!
      And after you smile we'll say 'Bye'!
N:- Oh thats nice to know!
      I tried to call thrice you know
      To come and share my experience
      I have this wonderful radiance!
      You know just how I acquired it?
      The Radio-therapist fired it!
      Those radio-active rays brilliant
      Can Radiation make you anything but Radiant?
A:- Gosh! You've got a sense of humour.
      Who'd think t'was a malignant tumour?
      How come Radiation doesnt affect you?
N:- There's God in there to protect you.
      See him in the Devil and you wont be harmed.
      You know he's there, you feel well armed.
      He's the power in every might
      He's the Light in every 'Light'!
      The Radiation is because of Him.
      He's full and bright and never ever dim.
      Even through Radiation His love is abundant,
      Then can Radiation make you anything but Radiant?                       

Nargis / Nutan

It isn't usual to quote someone else as a post itself. But I found this very touching poem at the Tata Memorial Hospital today, which I was told was either by the Late Nargis Dutt or Nutan (will confirm this). They both went through similar things that dad is going through. Patient N, and hundreds like her, have been in the same hallway where this beautiful painting by her hangs. Each of them have passed through the treatment with a different attitude. But these words show exactly what each of them go through. They don't change my views on God, but the power of faith in producing happiness is admirable. In the past few months, the discovery of the abundant measures of positivity, tolerance and strength in my dad has been an inspiring eyeopener. Yet, standing in front of this, absorbing the last line, I felt small, tiny, helpless... May the Light make him Radiant.

A Theft

Was he black or white?
Were the intentions good or bad?
What was he after? Nothing precious seems to be taken...

The Alchemists potion, Midas' stone,
Pandora's box, even yesterday's wishbone...
All lie Untouched, Unearthed, Alone.

A dark brown hair strand on the window sill is the only rem(a)inder.

His presence, heavy as a Myth now.
But he wasn't the Piper as the mice still scuttle around.
Neither the Khan - he didnt take his silk gown.

All that is gone is a shock of my hair which he took without a knife, just shining a Light in my face.

The Bus journeys to Mumbai have been frequent and somewhat unwanted as I see my dad changing bit by bit in looks due to the Radiation and Chemotherapy doses. Its sad to see him go bald. I wonder what he feels...

Dancing with Shadows

A salsa of loneliness
the music made in my mind,
partnered by my shadow,
the only other of my kind

Missing the laughter
the flush of inertia,
burgundy swirls and
the latin hair

Arms apart, hand in hand
stick to the 8 beat
Tethered to the allegiance -
conforming coterminous feet

Particles of hope
follow my lead
Moving with mirror energy,
covet a bond to be freed

No tears,
pain pours out as Summer.
Insanity is tempted by
the accelerated promise of the drummer

Moving in and out of light
the purple weed of the night
swaying into a trance
is stomped down
... as I rise and DANCE!                                                                      

It's been a while since I danced... especially the passionate Rumba beat variants like Salsa. The problem with ball dances is that you require a consistent partner to be good at them, which is not an easy find. However... more than dances, partners etc. , its most excrutiating when I miss time with me... my Shadow. Craving for some this weekend...

A Dive not regretted

She rose out of her ocean, knowing very well that she had to go back, and came crashing onto me - a strong, sultry sinuous wave. Unexpectedly overwhelmed, I didn't stop to think. Submerged in the swirling salty pools of passion, we made 'Love' try to drown itself for its inadequacy to describe us. Our souls floated like fragrant fronds of mist on the surface, trying to breathe for us. We knew she had to go, yet promises were made in duplicate upon the stars reflected on the waters. The wish to keep it a short, sweet secret disappeared with the froth. The night grew older without us ... Then Time yawned at twilight. At the first harsh rays of reality, she left. I was unable to stop her then and later foolishly stretched the seas all day with the tides. At last I finished my 'Mystery of the Drowning Sun', but was left back only with sheets stained red.

No, this is not a passage out of a M&B. Just something I fantasised up to beat the yellow-grey 4 pm heat at the Tarkarli beach where I happened to be lying. I had just come out of a dive and various elements of it were floating in my head... & so I used up all references to the Sea I could remember.

It was a thrilling day... the beginning of my underwater life maybe. My first try at Snorkelling. It was an especially good start as I could dive by & below the ramparts of one of India's most beautiful sea-forts, Sindhudurg. [Map here]

The Sunday morning begged me to stay away from the regular beachy crowd and try out something new. Getting to the west-facing Chiwla beach is itself a joy when you walk through the coconut lined streets of Malvan. People gave various estimates from 10 minutes to ten kilometers... but I suppose its about a kilometer North of the Malvan Jetty and two from the Bus Terminus. A walk is always good as its nice to suddenly come upon this very beautiful beach and just plop down in the sand cooling your heels, literally.

For a focussed programme like Snorkelling, its always good to fix up with some pros to begin with. We were lucky to get the acquaintance of the very experienced group run by Anway Prabhu, who himself is a good diver and quite familiar with the seas around Malvan. If you choose to snorkel close to Chiwla, you have the option to dive near the rock garden. A boat is arranged that takes you a kilometer in the sea and there you get onto a stationary boat that is to be your base. On this, the basics of snorkelling are explained by the divers already in the water and then the kits are distributed. Depending on the diver guides present, one person is assigned to each. The kit itself is a simple setup of a tube with valves which you have to use to breathe through your mouth. The other part is a mask with tempered-glass covered eye-holes for good underwater vision and a sealed enclosure for your nose, so you can forget that it exists. Take two minutes to familiarise yourself and its an easy job henceforth.

I was quite favoured by the tides that day as they rose & it became difficult to see much after the first group returned. So we travelled to shallower waters on the sides of Sindhudurg! That was like living a fantasy. Just a few years back I was here with Amit on one of our first memorable, independent trips and there I was today about to dive to the base of the same sea fortress! A 5-km boat ride got us to the site. I put on my kit and got into those waters that had eluded me on the previous trip...

Although the Arabian sea is opaque & greenish on the Indian coastline, it is quite clear where shallow. That was my first reaction when I stuck my masked head underwater - its all so clear! I was suddenly in a new fluid, green world. The refraction of light makes everything come closer to you. The lapping waves on the surface catch the sunlight and send arrows of it shooting past you into the depths below. I was floating mesmerised by this when I suddenly came across my first Zebra fish! I had been made to float with a lifebuoy and hence was flat on my tummy. It was swimming right under me... followed by another. It was tough to believe that this was real. I did a thumbs-up to Anway, who was pointing out things to me. I had been told to refrain from speaking or moaning when looking down, for obvious reasons. But soon many fish varieties kept showing up & I don't know how Anway was seeing them as well as telling me what they were. I could see his finger pointing and his voice identifying them. Lets see, how many of them I remember having seen... the striped yellow & black Zebra fish (I doubt the identification), a Clown fish (Nemo!), a few Parrot fish pecking at the rocks, various types of Butterfly fish, the flat Angel fish, the Surgeon fish with its scalpel-like spine, the transparent, small Glass fish & a beautiful Coral Grouper.

Getting to see the last one was an experience in itself. We had turned away from the fort at some point and now were in 10-15 feet of water when Anway suddenly disappeared. He resurfaced with a tubular brown floppy 'thing' and told me to touch it. I hesitated first as it was almost alien! But it turned out to be just a Sea-cucumber and I was thrilled as I'd read about it recently in a book by A.C.Clarke (in fact I was so eager to snorkel coz of that book). He went down to replace it and I was waiting with an irrefutable request when he was back. I wanted to see some corals and dive without the float... & he had to teach me now or else I'd write badly about his group on my blog ;)

I was dragged through a shoal of glass fish and to a place where I could vaguely see some shapes down below. Off came the float and with a deep breath (a mistake), in I went to the floor with my feet skyward. Travelling 15 feet in a second or so, the pressure around my ears must have doubled and I had the sense to give out air through my mouth. Although it blurred my vision it saved my ears. I was told later that this needs to be done through the nose but I did fine for the purpose. However, the rewards of the dive were in the next second, when I came across a big brown Montipora (a genus of coral) spread like a giant oyster mushroom with a white lining. I reached out to touch it but did not press on it (as corals are fragile and take thousands of years to form what we see today). That was when I noticed the Coral Grouper lurking there. It was one of the most beautiful fishes I saw... Translucent brown with electric blue dots, it made me miss my camera for the first time in the day. But my mind clicked all the while as I came out of my dive.

It was wonderful to see the sunlight and get some air through my nose as I pulled up my mask. My first dive in the open sea was over and now it was time to explore some more shallows and get out. But not before thanking Anway again, who had been constantly dragging me to the right places and pointing out many fishes to me. The boat ride back, drying the salty water off my hair & my sunburnt back, saw all of us still in a reverie. I guess we hadn't had our fill as a few of us dived off the boat a few hundred meters from shore and swam in to tell the others what they had missed.



Update:
Here's the Calling card for Anway Underwater Service
Anway Prabhu : [ 9823857576 / 9766420038 ]
& a nice site for sea fish identification.

Dependence

Waking up with a start she waited to get back to her dependence on the senses while the contents of the dream evaporated. If he had awakened then, she would surely have stayed in bed, depending on his embrace for comfort. She paused, depending on hope, which let her down as always. Slowly slipping out of the quilt, she stepped towards the light. Each time her bare foot touched the cold floor, it took her away from the dependences for warmth, love, protection, understanding...

Opening the door, she stepped out of that room of dependences, just as she had from another dark, warm one decades back. She felt the icy pricks of the chilly wind on her unclothed body. Were the tears that ensued due to pain or was it the joy of a sweet victory? The sky was on fire at the horizon and blazed red as the Sun rose to feed all its dependants. But the warmth inside her was from knowing that she was alone, alive and free. She revelled in the high of her first moment of independence during this submission to depending that she called 'Life'.

I recently passed through a period when I let myself be dependent too. I was on a trip to South Africa - my first international trip - and was in some kind of a trance, that I let others take my responsibility. I was not very happy to do it, but it was a trial for a month, a trial of trust, patience and maybe Hope.

In the first few days, I was amazed to see how many of my old fears came back and how fast! The fear of loss was the foremost I guess. After a long time I felt a sort of attachment to my sources of support. I was foolishly happy not to need to think about myself and to be completely clueless about whats next. Dependence leads to possessiveness as you want to constantly depend. I could see it coming true right in front of my eyes. I suddenly felt the need for someone to be there by me all the time. All my logic etc. failed and I succumbed to a strange craving. The horizons of my world, that I have worked hard to expand to the farthest reaches of the Universe, suddenly collapsed and shrunk, to Me, my needs, my hunger, my safety and some more Me. It took a shock to jolt me out of this headlong dive. Well, with my eyes washed, I could carry on mostly by myself, but it was a great lesson to see how one stays vulnerable to fears and other weaknesses.

I am thankful to all who actually helped me in this time of dependence, But I still maintain, as I had years back... "Of all the things I want in life, Independence is the key." I sprung back and here I am again, Fearless.

But I guess dependences are plain addictive for some and not easy to rid oneself of. The result is that, despite all wisdom, a real story would finish like this...

...Only human, she went back in, gave in to the accosting dependences, and paid for it.

I had some more thoughts during the lot of time that I had to kill back in Lazy SA. Hope, I've always felt, is a daydream of a positive mind. One does not depend on a dream... they are random & unpredictable. In fact one cannot depend on Life either, which is just as unpredictable. But people live in dream worlds with flimsy foundations, expecting them to materialise. Every moment of their life is spent expecting something from an unknown source. I have discovered this through bitter experiences and still see everybody go through it. I wonder why they do so? I wonder why people pray? A Wish or a Prayer is a petition to 'God' for something one wants. A display of an undue dependence to a something you imagine exists. All unreal, this faith even blinds one to the more dependable ones around. The Self, which might be the most useful in adverse situations is totally forgotten. The limits that you cross during adversities are your own and you are the only one to help yourself for sure, unless you wait in false faith for something to happen. Phew... its futile to tell everyone this though.

To end, I feel Nature is all-pervading and the only dependable one. But dependable for what...? For Knowledge. The universe is simply so huge that there is always something to discover, observe and wonder about, independent of the person you are with, the place you are in, how the weather is etc. That is one quest you cannot even depend on Google for. :)

Art of Living

So the confession is that after ranting so many times against what new the AOL (or any other spiritual) course can teach ME, I went for it! The reasons were quite compelling I would say, the prime being some sorrow and a lot of anger. I was looking for more control. Having noticed how breath is the first thing we lose control over when affected by emotions, I needed a method to get its reins back in my hand when I wanted. With two recommendations in mind, for AOL (from vik & chik), I went for a "weekend crash course"!

I have promised (as does everyone who does the course and maybe keeps their word due to the goodness that the time spent inspires) not to tell exact details of what happens in the course. But I can write about what I learnt. One thing is sure that the end state of the Sudarshan Kriya can only be achieved with time.

I agree with...

Meditation ... (is) entering a trance
because of the ridiculousness of repetition.
Wendy Wasserstein

This was my first concious try at meditation, but there surely was a need for coerced repetition of certain actions that leads the body to first revolt against this unusual boredom brought upon it. Following this sweaty fight however, like a tired wild horse, it relents and gives in to the relaxed state in which the breath is under your control. Now, to get the real benefits, you have to get the body addicted to this control and the way a regulated pattern can make the happenings around you affect you less.

Since October, I have tried it in office, at terminals, on a bus, a train and a plane too! But as usual, perseverance not being my virtue, I've discontinued the regular Kriya as prescribed. "All we ask is for you to breathe for half an hour every day", said the teacher at AOL... but who has the time to breathe? ;) However, I have not totally failed as I see a marked difference in my calmness and patience when I consciously attend to my breathing. I notice quite a few extra smiles on my lips and a certain extra confidence about the decisions taken with lungs full of regular breath. This is an addiction I'm glad to have & hope it does good to others around me.

Her Perfume

He lay there amongst his collection of half used bottles of perfumes...
Tears streamed over the wet pillow towards his outstretched hand that held the empty bottle...

Apratim

I've always struggled with Marathi... and so, to bring a Marathi adjective out of me, the cause had to be Apratim... Incomparable.

The time was 06h:28m:30s on the 22nd July 2009. The place was the terrace of a local school in Bihar Sharif, India. The cause was the 2nd Diamond Ring from the spectacular Total Solar Eclipse I had just witnessed. I am now proudly, one of the few people in India who actually wanted to, travelled for and saw the eclipse.



Here is a video of the indescribable hysteria which prevailed...

You will if you Will

Everyone knows that any activity intellectual or manual is tiring. Usually we make it a practise to halt for while as soon as we get fatigued. when some unusual stimulus fills us with emotional excitement or some unusual idea or necessity take us onward, the fatigue is overcome upto a certain point. Then, gradually or suddenly it passes away and we are fresher than before! We tap a new source of energy from which we obtain amounts of ease and power that we never dreamt we possessed. Sources of strength habitually never traced, because we never push through the obstruction of fatigue.

Only exceptional individuals move mountains and cross oceans, not literally but in reality. To what do these physiological wonders owe their escape from the habit of inferiority to our full self? If they were asked, the answer would always be "Willpower". Some would argue that the "Will" is a general property. Yes, it is the normal opener of everybodys inner eyes to the deeper layers of explosive energy. But the difficulty is how to tap it, to make the effort that the word implies.

"Will" is key to success even to students. It could improve our performance in studies, extra curricular activities and social life. It is observed that a single successful effort of moral voilation (volition) or performing some bold or courageous act, can launch a man on a higher level. He feels elevated and more confident. We could also make this effort and use the new range of power to achieve the unimaginable. Another discipline to keep our energy levels constant, at reach, is resolution. It consists of solemnly promising ourselves to perform any sought out task and finish it successfully. It is found, that positive thinking and self-encouragement cause our brain to release such harmones that increases our levels of sustainance manifold. Many sports person and other laureates claim to have won because they believed in themselves. Their "Will" and determination revealed to them, to be much stronger than was supposed. If this could edge them to victory, why not us!

Most of us could easily incorporate the use of the "Will" into our lifestyles, if we try, we can maintain an equilibrium in our efficiency, on astonishingly different levels of work, no matter what its direction - physical, mental, moral or spiritual. Our organs would adapt itself to a more active rate of energy.

The correct use of the "Will" could profit not only ourselves, but also contribute largely towards the rapid development of an advanced and peaceful future. Peaceful because our "Will" spontaneously activates our conscience, hiding us from indulging in cruelty and other wrong acts. Our world now stands here because of the active wills of a few individuals, who have exiled inertia, and it is in this instance, it is the will at work. But, if our whole generation were to awaken to their Willpower, our world would be perfect.

...Samir Dhurde (B.Sc. F.Y.)
[sic, As it appeared in our college magazine in April 1999]

PS: "Volition" was one word I was sure the editors would goof up and I couldn't but grin when, 'voila', they did!

About Thirty

Something got me thinking about my age last month.
"What is your age?" asked a nubile-sounding female on the other side of the phone. I was quite taken aback as I always remember my age approximately & I certainly don't need to give it out at a moment's notice! You see, I have always been confused by my age. Being 1979 born, I was in my first year and turned one in the zeroeth year of the new decade that was beginning. But my mind always tries to make things even and I always jumble up because I have to add 0 before my birthdate and 1 after it, to the ending digit of the present year, to get the units part of my age! Then I have to remember the decade part of it. It is such a concious calculation when I have to find my age... & it was so this time too.........
"About Thirty..." I blurted out after a few seconds. Too late! Already the joke was on me and I was assured that the query was only for booking my rail ticket.

This was still on my mind when I got on with the rail journey. I remember my first reaction to a kid calling me "Uncle". It was also on a train, but about 8 years back. "Kyon re? Yahan kaun Uncle dikhta hai tujhe?" :D I have already given up since and whichever kid wants to feel very young is now welcome to call me Samir Uncle. I am also tired of telling my students not to call me Samir Sir!

But I'm to write about an "old" habit & of course there's no need to point out that they die hard. During our home return journeys in the college days, most of our guy's gang wouldn't have confirmed tickets. The journeys would be more than 30 hours with us parked in any space which was legally & hygienically allowed on the train. We had to have some timepass & its anybody's guess what it would be. We would reach early and check out the reservation charts for which bogie had the most females in their 20's! That would then be our hangout while our luggage would be under the care of those supersmart people who had cared to reserve tickets 3 months back.

I did the same thing just for kicks and in two portions of my journey I had females "about my age" (eg. F 27, F 28 etc.) in the same coupe. And all of them happenned to have a kid or two of atleast 2 years age! Wow... Is it time I should be feeling Old or Strange? But sadly, they didn't look like they had been F23 or F25 just a few years ago. They did not even talk as much amongst themselves as those college girls during our flirty trips back home. Some kind of seriousness has descended upon them and the compulsory saari seemed to be to keep much more wound in it than it was apparently intended for. Is this the convention now for those about 30? I'm glad to find this missing in me.

I remember admiring someone 30+ recently because she was still freely doing what my mom would never have dreamt of because at her age, she already had a 15 year old kid! Although she accepted the complement, it wasn't without her eyes getting lost beyond me for a moment. The smile it drew was lopsided as if reacting to some irony/sarcasm she might have found hidden in the situation. Ageing singly is fun & tough...

So I am turning thirty this year... Ummm or is that finishing thirty years. Anyways, halfway through a statistical human life its quite early to waste time on an autobiography. Me being a young achiever in many places has had no effect in others breaking my record. And there are older people out there who I can always beat to some post. ;) But its heartening that I am sticking to many of my guns and am quite ready to face the social assaults that will start with the Jeetendra age - thirty plus. Another calculation mistake... My dad was 27 (& not 31) when he married & its gonna be tough to excuse myself saying "Oh you also married late!" I might be the first one to cross thirty amongst my friends' circle. Dont worry people I will let you know how it is to be on the other side...!


PS: I'm sure those pills are not necessary for 20-30 more years :D