Dependence

Waking up with a start, she waited to get back to her dependence on the senses, while the contents of the dream evaporated. If he had woken then, she would surely have stayed in bed, depending on his embrace for comfort. She paused, depending on hope, which let her down as always. Slowly slipping out of the quilt, she stepped towards the light. Each time her bare foot touched the cold floor, it took her away from the dependences for warmth, love, protection, understanding...

Opening the door, she stepped out of that room of dependences, just as she had from another dark, warm one decades back. She felt the icy pricks of the chilly wind on her unclothed body. Were the tears that ensued due to pain or was it the joy of a sweet victory? The sky was on fire at the horizon and blazed red as the Sun rose to feed all its dependants. But the warmth inside her was from knowing that she was alone, alive and free. She revelled in the high of her first moment of independence during this submission to depending that she called 'Life'.

I recently passed through a period when I let myself be dependent too. I was on a trip to South Africa - my first international trip - and was in some kind of a trance, that I let others take my responsibility. I was not very happy to do it, but it was a trial for a month, a trial of trust, patience and maybe Hope.

In the first few days, I was amazed to see how many of my old fears came back and how fast! The fear of loss was the foremost I guess. After a long time I felt a sort of attachment to my sources of support. I was foolishly happy not to need to think about myself and to be completely clueless about whats next. Dependence leads to possessiveness as you want to constantly depend. I could see it coming true right in front of my eyes. I suddenly felt the need for someone to be there by me all the time. All my logic etc. failed and I succumbed to a strange craving. The horizons of my world, that I have worked hard to expand to the farthest reaches of the Universe, suddenly collapsed and shrunk, to Me, my needs, my hunger, my safety and some more Me. It took a shock to jolt me out of this headlong dive. Well, with my eyes washed, I could carry on mostly by myself, but it was a great lesson to see how one stays vulnerable to fears and other weaknesses.

I am thankful to all who actually helped me in this time of dependence, But I still maintain, as I had years back... "Of all the things I want in life, Independence is the key." I sprung back and here I am again, Fearless.

But I guess dependences are plain addictive for some and not easy to rid oneself of. The result is that, despite all wisdom, a real story would finish like this...

...Only human, she went back in, gave in to the accosting dependences, and paid for it.

I had some more thoughts during the lot of time that I had to kill back in Lazy SA. Hope, I've always felt, is a daydream of a positive mind. One does not depend on a dream... they are random & unpredictable. In fact one cannot depend on Life either, which is just as unpredictable. But people live in dream worlds with flimsy foundations, expecting them to materialise. Every moment of their life is spent expecting something from an unknown source. I have discovered this through bitter experiences and still see everybody go through it. I wonder why they do so? I wonder why people pray? A Wish or a Prayer is a petition to 'God' for something one wants. A display of an undue dependence to a something you imagine exists. All unreal, this faith even blinds one to the more dependable ones around. The Self, which might be the most useful in adverse situations is totally forgotten. The limits that you cross during adversities are your own and you are the only one to help yourself for sure, unless you wait in false faith for something to happen. Phew... its futile to tell everyone this though.

To end, I feel Nature is all-pervading and the only dependable one. But dependable for what...? For Knowledge. The universe is simply so huge that there is always something to discover, observe and wonder about, independent of the person you are with, the place you are in, how the weather is etc. That is one quest you cannot even depend on Google for. :)

About Thirty

Something got me thinking about my age last month.
"What is your age?" asked a nubile-sounding female on the other side of the phone. I was quite taken aback as I always remember my age approximately & I certainly don't need to give it out at a moment's notice! You see, I have always been confused by my age. Being 1979 born, I was in my first year and turned one in the zeroeth year of the new decade that was beginning. But my mind always tries to make things even and I always jumble up because I have to add 0 before my birthdate and 1 after it, to the ending digit of the present year, to get the units part of my age! Then I have to remember the decade part of it. It is such a concious calculation when I have to find my age... & it was so this time too.........
"About Thirty..." I blurted out after a few seconds. Too late! Already the joke was on me and I was assured that the query was only for booking my rail ticket.

This was still on my mind when I got on with the rail journey. I remember my first reaction to a kid calling me "Uncle". It was also on a train, but about 8 years back. "Kyon re? Yahan kaun Uncle dikhta hai tujhe?" :D I have already given up since and whichever kid wants to feel very young is now welcome to call me Samir Uncle. I am also tired of telling my students not to call me Samir Sir!

But I'm to write about an "old" habit & of course there's no need to point out that they die hard. During our home return journeys in the college days, most of our guy's gang wouldn't have confirmed tickets. The journeys would be more than 30 hours with us parked in any space which was legally & hygienically allowed on the train. We had to have some timepass & its anybody's guess what it would be. We would reach early and check out the reservation charts for which bogie had the most females in their 20's! That would then be our hangout while our luggage would be under the care of those supersmart people who had cared to reserve tickets 3 months back.

I did the same thing just for kicks and in two portions of my journey I had females "about my age" (eg. F 27, F 28 etc.) in the same coupe. And all of them happenned to have a kid or two of atleast 2 years age! Wow... Is it time I should be feeling Old or Strange? But sadly, they didn't look like they had been F23 or F25 just a few years ago. They did not even talk as much amongst themselves as those college girls during our flirty trips back home. Some kind of seriousness has descended upon them and the compulsory saari seemed to be to keep much more wound in it than it was apparently intended for. Is this the convention now for those about 30? I'm glad to find this missing in me.

I remember admiring someone 30+ recently because she was still freely doing what my mom would never have dreamt of because at her age, she already had a 15 year old kid! Although she accepted the complement, it wasn't without her eyes getting lost beyond me for a moment. The smile it drew was lopsided as if reacting to some irony/sarcasm she might have found hidden in the situation. Ageing singly is fun & tough...

So I am turning thirty this year... Ummm or is that finishing thirty years. Anyways, halfway through a statistical human life its quite early to waste time on an autobiography. Me being a young achiever in many places has had no effect in others breaking my record. And there are older people out there who I can always beat to some post. ;) But its heartening that I am sticking to many of my guns and am quite ready to face the social assaults that will start with the Jeetendra age - thirty plus. Another calculation mistake... My dad was 27 (& not 31) when he married & its gonna be tough to excuse myself saying "Oh you also married late!" I might be the first one to cross thirty amongst my friends' circle. Dont worry people I will let you know how it is to be on the other side...!


PS: I'm sure those pills are not necessary for 20-30 more years :D

The New Pinup-Girl

She's the One! Was born to be the One! ...Always will be... till the next one comes along...!

Oh its not the beauty in the picture that I am talking about [see end]. This is about something much hotter...

Global Warming! The Science-praising/bashing, controversy-raising, Nobel-winning, issue of the decade.

An award-winning film is out - "The Inconvenient Truth". An Indian scientist gets a shared Nobel prize. And Global warming is suddenly in the limelight. But its not Gore's or Pachauri's fame that perturbs me. It is the way one or the other issue is always hyped out of proportions and is then left hanging without a conclusion as another more exciting threat to the the world is afoot! Just like a hot new starlet, there are more films to be made on that subject that will sell so much more if it is hyped.

Let me draw your attention to a few issues I have seen while growing up. These are all issues that are very important still & need to be given attention on an equal priority

Cancer - As a really small kid, there was always the talk of cancer. Mostly the one due to smoking and use of tobacco. I made my dad give up tobacco. But have seen many others fall to throat cancer from their addictions. There are ofcourse other cancers which too are still without cure and taking their toll. But tobacco induced cancer is something that a person can spread. The number of commercials showing actual ill effects of smoking and those educating cures of cancer are gone off the media. Oh yes... there are some ads about breast cancer, & I do hope they reach and better the lives of those few that watch cable television.

Drugs - When I was in school, TV used to make me feel that every one of those young guys on the streets was a druggie! Now india seems to be totally cured of this disease... only because we do not have youngsters injecting their groins and sniffing hash in filthy nooks or besides rail tracks. The problem is gone... from where it could be in the public's eye. Drugs are still rampant behind closed doors or in villages where noone peeps. There still are unemployed (or temporarily employed in BPOs) youth falling into the well of drugs thinking they will get high!

Population - This is in my view the most serious issue that concerns the World today and always... Overuse of resources by an uncontrolled population of a dominant species. Almost all evil that we see happening around is due to this. It was high on the propaganda just a few years ago, but its mellowed now. People slowly realise that the more kids they have, the more troubles they will have in their life. And they have other sources of entertaiment than sex. But are we really cured? The average number of kids might still take some time to reduce to 3 per couple. The issue will also need more coverage on the media to be effective sooner. I ve heard that a "Condom" publicity campaign is on I hope it is not the stereotyped gaonwali-behenji-prescribes-Mala-D ad or another steamy Kamasutra ad.

Ozone Hole - First thing... Its Not a hole in the atmosphere on top of your head... and it does not happen only over polluting cities! Ozone layer depletion does NOT cause Global Warming! It is a totally different natural disaster.
The "Hole" was detected as a reduction in the ozone layer over the North and South Poles. This 30% reduction could in future spread to lower latitudes. The misconceived notion is that due to it you will soon get skin cancer while sunbathing or later even when going to school! No... SPF100 sunscreen is not the way to escape the ozone hole! The problem will arise from the krill in the oceans & life stock on land getting ill. If it affects plants then we are done for. This will cause famine and endanger the generations to come before you even feel the symptoms of cancer. The causes of course are related to human activities. We have already been tackling it by reduced use of ODS. But the ozone Hole isn't shrinking!!! It is still as serious a problem as Global warming and we will only see in a decade which we should be thinking more about.

OK...
I know it is impossible to be uninformed about all this. But its easy to be misinformed. Moreover, disillusioned by disappearance of the hot topic we might just assume that the danger has passed. Well dear fellows... it hasn't. Its only that WE get less news about it because WE want variety in our coffee-table discussions. Let us not treat Life like films and ask for a new pinup topic every year. Let us keep following, in our capacities, at least one of the problems that can really affect us.

Of course I am not to forget... Laetitia Casta has finally made it to The Swank Pad! She has always been and will be the best pinup girl for me :)

Driven by Dissatisfaction

Today "Mr. Kumar" acknowledged me as a good teacher! He's a person who had, for the past year, been bugging me with comments about how good teachers were in the past & how satisfying it used to be being one.

Oh he finally accepted Me! Wow Man... This is Sweet Success ... !
      ... or is it? Does success lie in social acceptance of ourselves? What am I supposed to do now... Pride myself, put myself on a pedestal and stagnate in self-satisfaction? No... I will stay Dissatisfied.

The chemistry of dissatisfaction is as the chemistry of some marvelously potent tar. In it are the building stones of explosives, stimulants, poisons, opiates, perfumes and stenches.
Eric Hoffer

Great thought, but I wonder why it doesn't include my kind of dissatisfaction!? My dissatisfaction lies in all the existing unhappinness, ignorance and the resulting futility around me... In not having a cure for it or rather people not accepting certain things that might just be a cure. Whereas others are finding their answers in the things Hoffer mentions above, my answer isn't in them. Where is this thing called a "Smile"?! We cannot manufacture a genuine one with chemistry.

The following were to appear in Things people say to me...

"I'm happy with the Life I am living..."
"You need to have satisfaction in Your Life!"
"Don't want to have what you like... Like what you have!"

Ok people... dont give me your conflict-of-thoughts galore. I'm amazed at how you just accept the most convenient ways and measure happiness off it. But, I dont spot the smile on your face when you say all this! I would not be saying anything new if this was an argument. Its just that I can't see the motive behind people saying all these when everyone around is dissatisfied. Find your real self in the dissatisfaction Nature itself is filled with. I know, You'd bloody hate your life if you were really satisfied.

Everyone needs to have something to look forward to doing in Life. Or else is it not the same as Death? I am a driven guy... Driven by dissatisfaction, pain & beauty. I do like what I have and do. I live by inspired volition not coercion. I do not expect any respite from this constant urge to do more & better myself. I know I will stay dissatisfied till the end. Only a Life fully lived has a satisfying end - a welcome Death.

Thank you "Mr. Kumar" for your compliment. Enjoy your satisfied life wallowing in the glory of your past. I wish you had stayed dissatisfied & I had something to complement you for in return.

Things people say to me...

And what I want to say to them...

    I imagined you to be older."
                                                                                                                                                       

...the usual response of people who have only heard/read of me. I have no idea if I sound "mature" on phone/paper. Or is it because of the work that I do? & does it imply that I'm not of the 'age' I had once seemed to be?

"You look so young!"

Ok so I am a 28 year 'old' Peter Pan! But Beware - I am a kid upstairs too... more of a Pinocchio! That also explains me being skinny.

"Is there something you Dont know about?"

hehehe... :D Well yeah there's a lot I dont know about or else I'd be running Google...! but need I say that it always pays to be resourceful.

"Shut your mouth. You make me guilty/concious and spoil all the Fun!"

Yeah sure and you can carry on with all your flaws and your highly concious & embarrased soul. I treasure friends who make me concious of the right things. I see their caring in this & its done for my betterment.
     You are getting concious because you do have a weak point. Its upto you to ditch me and find a 'Yes man'. Its a matter of choice. But if you are a friend then yes... just for you, I am working on bettering my words at being your conscience... so that I dont always end up being a spoilsport.

"Don't think too much about people all the time."

Its a challenge to keep all the inputs from your senses at bay. I cant help it if I am sensitive and care for those whom I think about. The brain controls me & its not yet the other way. Its a struggle and I lose everytime. Vicky however confuses me with - "if you cant stop them, let the thoughts come..."

"I can't count on you! / You are not dependable!"

Thanks for the frank complement...& I have to agree with you on this. I guess its an old problem with this guy who's always been forced to keep his heart foremost. In consequence I've always shied away from commitments & failed at mattering properly to people. But, do you Really want to depend on me? Ever tried making it CLEAR to me that you want me to be special to you? I'm a confused guy, but I hope its not Your confusion thats reflecting in this charge.

"You never sleep, do you?"

As a vampire cursed to walk even during the daytime, what do you expect of me? Well... with the energy levels I have and with the numerous minutes to be Lived just passing by, how can I sleep? I do get my naps and need only 5 hours of shuteye!
Only Amit gets to say to me - "Abe jhopu nakos!" [bugger, dont doze off!] :D

"Its time you got married."

...& do what? Excuse Me & go mind ur own business.

"Dude...Go get laid!"

...& how? Excuse Me... are you in the business? :D

Happy New Whatever...

To hell with the world where I am not expected to be what I am.
I am better unplugged.

What good is wishing someone when it has no effect? Do we do it just to matter to people or say that they matter to us? Is that in fact a good way to serve the purpose?

I remember my collection of greeting cards way back in school. I'd buy mine with such diligence and make each special for the friend it was meant for. Only to get back one of their cards they had bought in a lot! I still treasured them to console myself that atleast there was one for me.

Now I dont need to wish my real friends. In fact many a times we have great times without even needing to say hi! Dudes you are the best... & the only thing I wish for you and me is to find more such pals if we ever get lost.

So I am forfieting wishing anyone and everyone "A Happy New...whatever" as far as I can... If you have not been wished, then either you know your status or its upto you to find out, via better ways, if you matter or not!

Classy Dogs

One who has a wife and still goes around sniffing other cunts is a dog!
Furthermore, the ones who can afford their game, are good at it, have loads of experience - enough to have attractive traits of lowliness, are Classy Dogs. Though Numb to their roots, they are nowhere near Dumb. They are progressive, open-minded, mature!

I cannot accept any argument of their wife not being fun enough. Or of the working wife not having time. Either one is comfortable with it or is out of it. Its You who chose her. Can a fling ever increase her attraction quotient? If you are bored of her - break the marriage... or go give some business to the whores!

Its very convenient to cheat on the wife & profess the importance of marriage. What purpose is served by showing off a happy marriage when you dont have one? Oh yes... It attracts other nubile girls leaving the worthy immature guys horny... that is until these guys too succumb to pressure and get into such an arrangement... or go do some stupid act of lust or love.

I support the growing number of 'live-in'ers than these two-faced skirt chasers. Just like the blood-mongering generals, they are very hard to uproot from the society. This growing force of wanton antediluvian Cowards hides not behind walls but behind relationships and reasoning... & they live to get medals!

To top it all, they make MY life difficult. Call it sour grapes, but they and the society they make up - SUCK. I'm happy being a kiddish flirty bachelor... period.

PS: All this applies to the Classy Bitches too.
And I mean no insult to those animals that are fed and loved more than the humans they sometimes share the pavement with.