Dependence

Waking up with a start, she waited to get back to her dependence on the senses, while the contents of the dream evaporated. If he had woken then, she would surely have stayed in bed, depending on his embrace for comfort. She paused, depending on hope, which let her down as always. Slowly slipping out of the quilt, she stepped towards the light. Each time her bare foot touched the cold floor, it took her away from the dependences for warmth, love, protection, understanding...

Opening the door, she stepped out of that room of dependences, just as she had from another dark, warm one decades back. She felt the icy pricks of the chilly wind on her unclothed body. Were the tears that ensued due to pain or was it the joy of a sweet victory? The sky was on fire at the horizon and blazed red as the Sun rose to feed all its dependants. But the warmth inside her was from knowing that she was alone, alive and free. She revelled in the high of her first moment of independence during this submission to depending that she called 'Life'.

I recently passed through a period when I let myself be dependent too. I was on a trip to South Africa - my first international trip - and was in some kind of a trance, that I let others take my responsibility. I was not very happy to do it, but it was a trial for a month, a trial of trust, patience and maybe Hope.

In the first few days, I was amazed to see how many of my old fears came back and how fast! The fear of loss was the foremost I guess. After a long time I felt a sort of attachment to my sources of support. I was foolishly happy not to need to think about myself and to be completely clueless about whats next. Dependence leads to possessiveness as you want to constantly depend. I could see it coming true right in front of my eyes. I suddenly felt the need for someone to be there by me all the time. All my logic etc. failed and I succumbed to a strange craving. The horizons of my world, that I have worked hard to expand to the farthest reaches of the Universe, suddenly collapsed and shrunk, to Me, my needs, my hunger, my safety and some more Me. It took a shock to jolt me out of this headlong dive. Well, with my eyes washed, I could carry on mostly by myself, but it was a great lesson to see how one stays vulnerable to fears and other weaknesses.

I am thankful to all who actually helped me in this time of dependence, But I still maintain, as I had years back... "Of all the things I want in life, Independence is the key." I sprung back and here I am again, Fearless.

But I guess dependences are plain addictive for some and not easy to rid oneself of. The result is that, despite all wisdom, a real story would finish like this...

...Only human, she went back in, gave in to the accosting dependences, and paid for it.

I had some more thoughts during the lot of time that I had to kill back in Lazy SA. Hope, I've always felt, is a daydream of a positive mind. One does not depend on a dream... they are random & unpredictable. In fact one cannot depend on Life either, which is just as unpredictable. But people live in dream worlds with flimsy foundations, expecting them to materialise. Every moment of their life is spent expecting something from an unknown source. I have discovered this through bitter experiences and still see everybody go through it. I wonder why they do so? I wonder why people pray? A Wish or a Prayer is a petition to 'God' for something one wants. A display of an undue dependence to a something you imagine exists. All unreal, this faith even blinds one to the more dependable ones around. The Self, which might be the most useful in adverse situations is totally forgotten. The limits that you cross during adversities are your own and you are the only one to help yourself for sure, unless you wait in false faith for something to happen. Phew... its futile to tell everyone this though.

To end, I feel Nature is all-pervading and the only dependable one. But dependable for what...? For Knowledge. The universe is simply so huge that there is always something to discover, observe and wonder about, independent of the person you are with, the place you are in, how the weather is etc. That is one quest you cannot even depend on Google for. :)