Driven by Dissatisfaction

Today "Mr. Kumar" acknowledged me as a good teacher! He's a person who had, for the past year, been bugging me with comments about how good teachers were in the past & how satisfying it used to be being one.

Oh he finally accepted Me! Wow Man... This is Sweet Success ... !
      ... or is it? Does success lie in social acceptance of ourselves? What am I supposed to do now... Pride myself, put myself on a pedestal and stagnate in self-satisfaction? No... I will stay Dissatisfied.

The chemistry of dissatisfaction is as the chemistry of some marvelously potent tar. In it are the building stones of explosives, stimulants, poisons, opiates, perfumes and stenches.
Eric Hoffer

Great thought, but I wonder why it doesn't include my kind of dissatisfaction!? My dissatisfaction lies in all the existing unhappinness, ignorance and the resulting futility around me... In not having a cure for it or rather people not accepting certain things that might just be a cure. Whereas others are finding their answers in the things Hoffer mentions above, my answer isn't in them. Where is this thing called a "Smile"?! We cannot manufacture a genuine one with chemistry.

The following were to appear in Things people say to me...

"I'm happy with the Life I am living..."
"You need to have satisfaction in Your Life!"
"Don't want to have what you like... Like what you have!"

Ok people... dont give me your conflict-of-thoughts galore. I'm amazed at how you just accept the most convenient ways and measure happiness off it. But, I dont spot the smile on your face when you say all this! I would not be saying anything new if this was an argument. Its just that I can't see the motive behind people saying all these when everyone around is dissatisfied. Find your real self in the dissatisfaction Nature itself is filled with. I know, You'd bloody hate your life if you were really satisfied.

Everyone needs to have something to look forward to doing in Life. Or else is it not the same as Death? I am a driven guy... Driven by dissatisfaction, pain & beauty. I do like what I have and do. I live by inspired volition not coercion. I do not expect any respite from this constant urge to do more & better myself. I know I will stay dissatisfied till the end. Only a Life fully lived has a satisfying end - a welcome Death.

Thank you "Mr. Kumar" for your compliment. Enjoy your satisfied life wallowing in the glory of your past. I wish you had stayed dissatisfied & I had something to complement you for in return.

Seven dead Crows

Written on September 5th, 2006

Another dead crow. This is the sixth body today!
Killed by destiny or crushed by wheels of Time and then a Truck?
Why do crows die? Why do people Die? Do hearts die with them?
I once fell for a fallen one. She landed into my life with a limp.
In the crowd she was alone.
Though forlorn, she Never said she needed me. It was my assumption. My decision to protect her, care for her, make her live longer, happier.
In turn she planted a seed of hope and amazed me at my own positivity!
I'm not a mindreader and her eyes just teased me.
Her silence was unbridgeable for me.
But I was already deafened by my own good thoughts.
Her feelings were unknown to me...
But I was already overcome with my own fantasies.
Her struggles were unfightable for me...
But I was already struggling in my own failing efforts.
She tried to fly, but I couldn't give her the wings.
And one fine day as I hopped upto her box, I noticed her stiffness.
It was unnatural for Life, but a norm if one chooses Death.
That was her choice.
My choice was Nothing - in her Life... in her Death.

Dry flowers and Wet eyes

In Life the Good & Bad don't average out...
They both take toll of your nerves.

I'd have loved to simply leave this thought here, but on popular demand I'll explain... The day before yesterday I was in a village called Panchgaon, near the city of Kolhapur, host to a residential school. These flowers were given to me by two little girls, Arti and Asha. They were girls from a nomadic tribe & the first in their family to ever get to go to school. I won't go into how I did a good job of my 'work' of giving them a few good pieces of knowledge. But, I got my reward through these flowers. The shy beings had impropmtu picked for me the closest beautiful things they could find. In that little while, I had meant something to them to deserve this precious gift! They got me these, as appreciation, as I was wrapping up the after the talk. My smile was then almost about to fade, giving way to thoughts. It came back and was with me as I went through Hell the next day.

Isn't it amazing how smiles and sorrows both bring tears... & yet we are preferential!?

Things people say to me...

And what I want to say to them...

    I imagined you to be older."
                                                                                                                                                       

...the usual response of people who have only heard/read of me. I have no idea if I sound "mature" on phone/paper. Or is it because of the work that I do? & does it imply that I'm not of the 'age' I had once seemed to be?

"You look so young!"

Ok so I am a 28 year 'old' Peter Pan! But Beware - I am a kid upstairs too... more of a Pinocchio! That also explains me being skinny.

"Is there something you Dont know about?"

hehehe... :D Well yeah there's a lot I dont know about or else I'd be running Google...! but need I say that it always pays to be resourceful.

"Shut your mouth. You make me guilty/concious and spoil all the Fun!"

Yeah sure and you can carry on with all your flaws and your highly concious & embarrased soul. I treasure friends who make me concious of the right things. I see their caring in this & its done for my betterment.
     You are getting concious because you do have a weak point. Its upto you to ditch me and find a 'Yes man'. Its a matter of choice. But if you are a friend then yes... just for you, I am working on bettering my words at being your conscience... so that I dont always end up being a spoilsport.

"Don't think too much about people all the time."

Its a challenge to keep all the inputs from your senses at bay. I cant help it if I am sensitive and care for those whom I think about. The brain controls me & its not yet the other way. Its a struggle and I lose everytime. Vicky however confuses me with - "if you cant stop them, let the thoughts come..."

"I can't count on you! / You are not dependable!"

Thanks for the frank complement...& I have to agree with you on this. I guess its an old problem with this guy who's always been forced to keep his heart foremost. In consequence I've always shied away from commitments & failed at mattering properly to people. But, do you Really want to depend on me? Ever tried making it CLEAR to me that you want me to be special to you? I'm a confused guy, but I hope its not Your confusion thats reflecting in this charge.

"You never sleep, do you?"

As a vampire cursed to walk even during the daytime, what do you expect of me? Well... with the energy levels I have and with the numerous minutes to be Lived just passing by, how can I sleep? I do get my naps and need only 5 hours of shuteye!
Only Amit gets to say to me - "Abe jhopu nakos!" [bugger, dont doze off!] :D

"Its time you got married."

...& do what? Excuse Me & go mind ur own business.

"Dude...Go get laid!"

...& how? Excuse Me... are you in the business? :D

Fun with e=mc^2

Here's the powerpoint I made for My talk Today. The title is apparently clear and I hope the point is too after you go through it :) You are free to use it properly.


Thanx: Michael Chabin for idea inputs.

Tere Bin

When my head was filled with thoughts of you.
hen my heart's emotions were meant only for you.
I'd crave you in the darkness & in light.
'd close my eyes and whisper goodnight.
The dawn brought the first thoughts - of you.
he rest of the day i was blind to any view.
How could it be?
ow could there be such times
when you invaded my life, my weaknesses, my dreams...?
OUrs were the words i heard
rs were the words i wrote
The touch I imagined I felt
he sights I could still see
Y were in my arms when she held me...
O made me want to become someone else.
U became the someone i'd never give a name.
are unplugged now.

I'm letting you go coz its better to be alone at the edge of my Blue world. But i'm just across the shadows if you want to reach out.

Inspired by my new desktop configuration I call - "Tere Bin". Have a look...

Happy New Whatever...

To hell with the world where I am not expected to be what I am.
I am better unplugged.

What good is wishing someone when it has no effect? Do we do it just to matter to people or say that they matter to us? Is that in fact a good way to serve the purpose?

I remember my collection of greeting cards way back in school. I'd buy mine with such diligence and make each special for the friend it was meant for. Only to get back one of their cards they had bought in a lot! I still treasured them to console myself that atleast there was one for me.

Now I dont need to wish my real friends. In fact many a times we have great times without even needing to say hi! Dudes you are the best... & the only thing I wish for you and me is to find more such pals if we ever get lost.

So I am forfieting wishing anyone and everyone "A Happy New...whatever" as far as I can... If you have not been wished, then either you know your status or its upto you to find out, via better ways, if you matter or not!