Driven by Dissatisfaction

Today "Mr. Kumar" acknowledged me as a good teacher! He's a person who had, for the past year, been bugging me with comments about how good teachers were in the past & how satisfying it used to be being one.

Oh he finally accepted Me! Wow Man... This is Sweet Success ... !
      ... or is it? Does success lie in social acceptance of ourselves? What am I supposed to do now... Pride myself, put myself on a pedestal and stagnate in self-satisfaction? No... I will stay Dissatisfied.

The chemistry of dissatisfaction is as the chemistry of some marvelously potent tar. In it are the building stones of explosives, stimulants, poisons, opiates, perfumes and stenches.
Eric Hoffer

Great thought, but I wonder why it doesn't include my kind of dissatisfaction!? My dissatisfaction lies in all the existing unhappinness, ignorance and the resulting futility around me... In not having a cure for it or rather people not accepting certain things that might just be a cure. Whereas others are finding their answers in the things Hoffer mentions above, my answer isn't in them. Where is this thing called a "Smile"?! We cannot manufacture a genuine one with chemistry.

The following were to appear in Things people say to me...

"I'm happy with the Life I am living..."
"You need to have satisfaction in Your Life!"
"Don't want to have what you like... Like what you have!"

Ok people... dont give me your conflict-of-thoughts galore. I'm amazed at how you just accept the most convenient ways and measure happiness off it. But, I dont spot the smile on your face when you say all this! I would not be saying anything new if this was an argument. Its just that I can't see the motive behind people saying all these when everyone around is dissatisfied. Find your real self in the dissatisfaction Nature itself is filled with. I know, You'd bloody hate your life if you were really satisfied.

Everyone needs to have something to look forward to doing in Life. Or else is it not the same as Death? I am a driven guy... Driven by dissatisfaction, pain & beauty. I do like what I have and do. I live by inspired volition not coercion. I do not expect any respite from this constant urge to do more & better myself. I know I will stay dissatisfied till the end. Only a Life fully lived has a satisfying end - a welcome Death.

Thank you "Mr. Kumar" for your compliment. Enjoy your satisfied life wallowing in the glory of your past. I wish you had stayed dissatisfied & I had something to complement you for in return.

Seven dead Crows

Written on September 5th, 2006

Another dead crow. This is the sixth body today!
Killed by destiny or crushed by wheels of Time and then a Truck?
Why do crows die? Why do people Die? Do hearts die with them?
I once fell for a fallen one. She landed into my life with a limp.
In the crowd she was alone.
Though forlorn, she Never said she needed me. It was my assumption. My decision to protect her, care for her, make her live longer, happier.
In turn she planted a seed of hope and amazed me at my own positivity!
I'm not a mindreader and her eyes just teased me.
Her silence was unbridgeable for me.
But I was already deafened by my own good thoughts.
Her feelings were unknown to me...
But I was already overcome with my own fantasies.
Her struggles were unfightable for me...
But I was already struggling in my own failing efforts.
She tried to fly, but I couldn't give her the wings.
And one fine day as I hopped upto her box, I noticed her stiffness.
It was unnatural for Life, but a norm if one chooses Death.
That was her choice.
My choice was Nothing - in her Life... in her Death.

Dry flowers and Wet eyes

In Life the Good & Bad don't average out...
They both take toll of your nerves.

I'd have loved to simply leave this thought here, but on popular demand I'll explain... The day before yesterday I was in a village called Panchgaon, near the city of Kolhapur, host to a residential school. These flowers were given to me by two little girls, Arti and Asha. They were girls from a nomadic tribe & the first in their family to ever get to go to school. I won't go into how I did a good job of my 'work' of giving them a few good pieces of knowledge. But, I got my reward through these flowers. The shy beings had impropmtu picked for me the closest beautiful things they could find. In that little while, I had meant something to them to deserve this precious gift! They got me these, as appreciation, as I was wrapping up the after the talk. My smile was then almost about to fade, giving way to thoughts. It came back and was with me as I went through Hell the next day.

Isn't it amazing how smiles and sorrows both bring tears... & yet we are preferential!?

Things people say to me...

And what I want to say to them...

    I imagined you to be older."
                                                                                                                                                       

...the usual response of people who have only heard/read of me. I have no idea if I sound "mature" on phone/paper. Or is it because of the work that I do? & does it imply that I'm not of the 'age' I had once seemed to be?

"You look so young!"

Ok so I am a 28 year 'old' Peter Pan! But Beware - I am a kid upstairs too... more of a Pinocchio! That also explains me being skinny.

"Is there something you Dont know about?"

hehehe... :D Well yeah there's a lot I dont know about or else I'd be running Google...! but need I say that it always pays to be resourceful.

"Shut your mouth. You make me guilty/concious and spoil all the Fun!"

Yeah sure and you can carry on with all your flaws and your highly concious & embarrased soul. I treasure friends who make me concious of the right things. I see their caring in this & its done for my betterment.
     You are getting concious because you do have a weak point. Its upto you to ditch me and find a 'Yes man'. Its a matter of choice. But if you are a friend then yes... just for you, I am working on bettering my words at being your conscience... so that I dont always end up being a spoilsport.

"Don't think too much about people all the time."

Its a challenge to keep all the inputs from your senses at bay. I cant help it if I am sensitive and care for those whom I think about. The brain controls me & its not yet the other way. Its a struggle and I lose everytime. Vicky however confuses me with - "if you cant stop them, let the thoughts come..."

"I can't count on you! / You are not dependable!"

Thanks for the frank complement...& I have to agree with you on this. I guess its an old problem with this guy who's always been forced to keep his heart foremost. In consequence I've always shied away from commitments & failed at mattering properly to people. But, do you Really want to depend on me? Ever tried making it CLEAR to me that you want me to be special to you? I'm a confused guy, but I hope its not Your confusion thats reflecting in this charge.

"You never sleep, do you?"

As a vampire cursed to walk even during the daytime, what do you expect of me? Well... with the energy levels I have and with the numerous minutes to be Lived just passing by, how can I sleep? I do get my naps and need only 5 hours of shuteye!
Only Amit gets to say to me - "Abe jhopu nakos!" [bugger, dont doze off!] :D

"Its time you got married."

...& do what? Excuse Me & go mind ur own business.

"Dude...Go get laid!"

...& how? Excuse Me... are you in the business? :D

Fun with e=mc^2

Here's the powerpoint I made for My talk Today. The title is apparently clear and I hope the point is too after you go through it :) You are free to use it properly.


Thanx: Michael Chabin for idea inputs.

Tere Bin

When my head was filled with thoughts of you.
hen my heart's emotions were meant only for you.
I'd crave you in the darkness & in light.
'd close my eyes and whisper goodnight.
The dawn brought the first thoughts - of you.
he rest of the day i was blind to any view.
How could it be?
ow could there be such times
when you invaded my life, my weaknesses, my dreams...?
OUrs were the words i heard
rs were the words i wrote
The touch I imagined I felt
he sights I could still see
Y were in my arms when she held me...
O made me want to become someone else.
U became the someone i'd never give a name.
are unplugged now.

I'm letting you go coz its better to be alone at the edge of my Blue world. But i'm just across the shadows if you want to reach out.

Inspired by my new desktop configuration I call - "Tere Bin". Have a look...

Happy New Whatever...

To hell with the world where I am not expected to be what I am.
I am better unplugged.

What good is wishing someone when it has no effect? Do we do it just to matter to people or say that they matter to us? Is that in fact a good way to serve the purpose?

I remember my collection of greeting cards way back in school. I'd buy mine with such diligence and make each special for the friend it was meant for. Only to get back one of their cards they had bought in a lot! I still treasured them to console myself that atleast there was one for me.

Now I dont need to wish my real friends. In fact many a times we have great times without even needing to say hi! Dudes you are the best... & the only thing I wish for you and me is to find more such pals if we ever get lost.

So I am forfieting wishing anyone and everyone "A Happy New...whatever" as far as I can... If you have not been wished, then either you know your status or its upto you to find out, via better ways, if you matter or not!

Chaas

As usual I'd woken up, just in time to brush, bath and have milk before I had to go. It was a tuesday! [19th Dec... & ya i ve become a baby again... have milk in the morning and evening :D]

Before I get out of the house everyday, I convince myself that I am living this day because there is some work expected of me. If not, then life would probably be over. Its a good positive thought to think making whatever we do seem worthwhile. Its not everyday that we do great feats but the thought prepares you for them without making you expect them. I also keep just enough time at hands so as to be able to do most jobs but not get lost in thoughts that I wanna keep away from.

The village was Wada, in the Khed Taluka.

So I got out and finished work like arranging things, loading the car, checking my list of things before I go etc. and got on the way. This time the route was not the same as the one I ve been taking every tuesday for the last few months. So I somehow was apprehensive about it. But it seemed that the road was better and there were equally nice village scenes on this route. Only the IUCAA telescope wasn't visible so it was kinda not in our present propaganda to go to this village. Well I myself was interested only in sharing my knowledge with the kids. But I look out for our purpose too.

This day was no different... and the perk I got for doing my work properly was that I got to see a water reservior created by the Chaas Kaman dam. It is in the same taluka that I was going to. It was an amazing sight. Like one of those pictures of lakes/loches in europe... only closer [~60km]. & it was a bright early morning sunshine. The colours and atmosphere was just there to behold and absorb. I have taken some fotos with another guy's mobile camera [links coming soon]... but they cannot capture what the minds eye keeps.

In contrast to the quaint maharastrian villages that we were passing through, we were Suddenly on the side of a sort of a valley. There were yellow and green fields growing right upto the water's edge. The village huts with their roofs & courtyards, gave a nice contrast. The simple people around were busy feeding their cows, tending to their daily washing, bathing, basking in the sun etc. :) it was so tempting to just get down there and go sit by the water's edge.

But no I had to go on. I reached the village early and the school was yet to start. unlike the casual city people here, the villagers always treat a guest very specially. more often than not, I get to share the stage with the Principal at the daily assembly. This is a special event and I dont know if its done in other countries. Everyday, kids stand in queues in the ground in front of the school. Its nice to get in the Sun these chilly days :) Everybody has to strictly stand in a line at attention position. Then at one go they all start the one song that is dear to every Indian heart... jana gana mana - the national anthem. Without inhibitions everyone just sings out loud & its a high feeling to have it echoing from all directions in such magnitude. This is followed by the loud reiteration of an oath to the school and the nation and then a prayer. This again I welcome as its not just moral education but also a great breathing exercise for everyone!

This school also had a 15 minute special programme in which everyday 6 chosen children prepare small informative material to read out to the assembly... Things like - details of the day including sunrise & set times, moon phase etc., news headlines of the day, general knowledge questions of the day, thought for the day, a short story of the day etc. I can see how inhibited they are to go on stage and how they go through their collected material hurriedly. But its fun to realise how hard the kid's heart must be beating at such a public appearance & due to his responsibilty. I was lucky to be at this school where kids are taught self-confidence and pride for the nation before starting their routines.

But i never realised that all the 400-500 kids who were sitting there on the ground before me, [as I spoke my words of the guest of honour :D] would soon be packed into the nearby hall. I had to show them a glimpse of the universe and how astronomy & science as a whole is simply learning through observations of nature. Well its now almost in my veins how to do it & I fumble much less with the local Marathi. I probably tortured the kids with my science jokes in the next 2-3 hours but some faces said I'd done my job well. :)

And then we left tired and hungry. around the hill & the lake was back at the turn! [I'm making it seem so important coz it was an imprssive sight] In the afternoon, all was quiet and there was a small farm by its side. I walked past it, through a field and got to the shore and plomped down. There were some migratory birds there already! I cant express it but there was something very relaxing abt the place.

Your mind's voice lost focus to the sound of the waves and the birds.
The Sun was gently caressing my back with its warm hands.
My hair flowed as if the wind had fingers.
There was a certain tingle in my backbone as if the Earth was reaching up into my brain.
The water poured into my ears with its lapping sound.
The hunger, the pain in my throat just disappeared.
If i'd died at that moment i would have been very unhappy.
It was filling me with Life.

Bored minds & shades of Gray

What do you think when u see two guys in black, running around odd places with black bags and peering through something while contorting into queer positions? Well stop your dirty mind right now. & if you have time to pause and notice them then you shouldnt think, just join them. They would be Me and Sumit [or Amit if I'm lucky] doing some photography.

Last 2 Sundays we have been out to kill the boredom on our mind. The first sunday was a gray mood. It was interesting coz the noon did seem to be of a sepia flavour. It was so lazy one could almost touch the rust on the air. See I am still confusing what senses I was using! So we went to the railway lines besides Koregaon park. & clicked various shades of gray.

The rails were gray, the wood was brown, the trains was rusty, the grass was ochre, the pigeons were ash and the ravens were Black! Check below for pics I could catch and explore my mind for those I didnt. Sumit came up with some of them. We still have some BW film at our disposal... lets see what lies in its future.

Somehow gray always reminds me of Jim and Della & the The Gift of the Magi by O'Henry.

Della finished her cry and attended to her cheeks with the powder rag. She stood by the window and looked out dully at a grey cat walking a grey fence in a grey backyard. To-morrow would be Christmas Day, and she had only $1.87 with which to buy Jim a present.

And so does christmas. Here's wishing you all who can afford to have a good one, a good one!

More Pics:
gray01 >> gray02 >> gray03 >> gray04 >> gray05 >> gray06

Update: Sumit too likes to endorse his world through the lens of a camera!
Visit his Flickr page.

My Sun

I see the Sun go down. Those monotonous hues crowd the sky again in a last ditch effort to mask its real darkness. But, how long? The millions of distant Suns can't be kept back. Neither can I. I am close to the Sun.

This is My place. I can be high or low here. Here I depend only on Myself. I know the window gives me an exaggerated view, but, it makes me feel great. They can't come in here and mess it up. They think They are diminutive, trivial, Their deeds insignificant. I've done my part amongst Them. They need to learn, but Their chance is almost gone. I lean back as I am close to the Sun.

She will not have to cry anymore. She will no longer have to defend me. She will not love me, nor will She hate me. She will not entice me. She will not break my heart. She will not ignore me. She will not mock me. She won't whisper softly to me, nor will She call out my name. She will no longer run Her hands through my hair. She will not find me funny anymore. She will stop waiting for Her wedding ring. She will never again hug me. How will She Punish me? She will cease to remember me. I am closer to the Sun.

He will not share my joys and sorrows. He will not borrow from me my possesions, my moments, my knowledge. He already can't inspire me, but, He will also not drive me jealous. I will no longer fear Him. He will not always be right. I will not sacrifice for Him. No longer will He be excused for shattering the best of my dreams. He won't break His promises anymore. He will not remain the Manlier one. He will not crave for Fame & Fortune. He will no longer need to grow a Brain or a Backbone. The Sun is closer than ever.

I hear Them say - "Unidentified aircraft...Your approach to the Fusion Facility is unauthorized. You may be treated as a threat." I depress the glowing switch that says 'Armed'. On its course, the silver sliver slices the night as perfectly as I prefer. I head West. I see their Sun again. But, behind me, My Sun rises on the obliteration of obnoxious oblivion. Soon, I exist alone and I alone exist!

This is an old piece I'd written and it somehow still has the same feelings involved in it. Today I made a different Sun for Myself. The pic above is not the real Sun but something I made in Photoshop [PS]!!! PS is an amazing tool for which I have to keep coming back to M$Windows. I was wondering how difficult it is to make the images that an illustrator I'm working with, is making. And I could do it in 7 steps only!!! And I convinced someone who knows the Sun very well, to believe that it was a photograph!! I consider that a feat. :)

The second reason for this post is that I have just become a part of the outreach program for The International Heliophysical Year. The year 2007 is slated as the year to build up public knowledge about how Solar physics interacts with Geophysics. [In simple words... how the Sun affects us in important ways we are not aware of!]